Non-monogamy continues to shape our ever-evolving definitions of intimacy, sex, and relationships.
As Feeld found in the 2024 State of Dating report, Millennials and Gen X cited ethical non-monogamy as their single most preferred relationship style. But it’s a broad term: From open relationships to swinging, throupledom to kitchen table poly, there are endless ways to practice ENM and polyamory.
Finding the best style for you depends on what you’re looking for out of relationships—and the role you want romance and intimacy to play in your life. But if you’re someone who values autonomy and independence, while still wanting to build deep and meaningful connections, solo polyamory could be for you.
So, let’s talk about it: What is solo poly, why do people practice it, and how does it differ from other relationship dynamics?
What is solo poly?
Solo poly is a style of polyamory where someone can have multiple romantic and meaningful relationships, but they still live an “independent” life: they don’t prioritize any primary partners, or identify strongly as part of a couple, throuple, or quad etc.
“We live in a world where relationship ‘success’ usually means climbing the relationship escalator—dating, moving in, marrying, having kids—and ultimately merging your life with someone else’s,” explains sex and relationships therapist Nikita Fernandes. But solo poly folks reject this—preferring to operate and present themselves as individuals.
Solo poly people might take part in just about any style of ENM relationship—be it casual or deeply meaningful; short-lived or long-term; structured or fluid; kinky, “vanilla,” or non-sexual. But many solo poly folks view themselves as their own primary partner, while others take a secondary role in their life.
In his book Love in a Fucked-Up World, the writer Dean Spade unpacks the “romance myth,” or the ideas we’re fed from a young age about the role romance should play in our lives. These include notions of romantic love as the most important love there is, something that we can only have with one person or that we’re incomplete without.
Meanwhile, solo poly positions romance as a piece of the pie, for sure—but with far less rigid parameters, and leaving more space for independence, non-romantic love, and community overall.
It’s more common for solo poly folks to live alone, and keep their various relationships separate from one another—as opposed to other forms of polyamory, which can involve a cluster or network of partners, all of whom are friends or share space to some degree.
However, this isn’t universal: Some solo poly folks might have a nesting partner (meaning they live with a partner, without prioritizing them over others). And some of their partners might know each other.
What are the benefits of solo poly?
“People’s motivations [for solo poly] often come from wanting a life abundant in love and connection, without sacrificing independence or sense of self,” says Fernandes.
“People who identify as solo polyamorous tend to really value autonomy. For some, this can be a very empowering shift, especially if they’re coming out of a long-term relationship where they didn’t have much autonomy. For others, it can be a way to have meaningful relationships while still centering their own desires and individuality.”For solo poly folks, the benefits include:
Independence and self-discovery
Instead of having to mould your life to fit someone else’s by default, solo poly allows you to discover who you are, what you want, and what love looks like for you as an individual. It’s down to you where you live, what you do, how you spend your money, and what your goals are—and you have ample freedom to explore, grow, and change.
This doesn’t mean you don’t show up and care deeply for your partners. That care is just balanced with self-determination—in the same way a single monogamous person can prioritize independence while also cultivating rich connections with friends, family, and anyone else they care about.
Abundance and community
Instead of centering a single romantic relationship at the center of your life, solo poly makes room for a rich variety of connections—be they romantic, sexual, platonic, queerplatonic, or anything in between. When you remove the hierarchy, it can strengthen your community and, for some folks, offers a more fulfilling, well-rounded life.
Balance and breathing room
By spreading closeness and care across multiple connections—romantic and otherwise—there’s less weight placed on one person to “be everything.” This can give each relationship in your life more room to breathe and evolve at its own pace—without pressure to reach certain milestones or fit neatly into boxes.
Solo poly vs. ENM (ethical non-monogamy)
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is a broad umbrella term for any consenting relationship style that isn’t sexually or romantically exclusive between two partners. There are countless styles of ethical non-monogamy—but “polyamory” tends to refer to ones that might involve multiple loving or committed relationships at one time (unlike, say, open relationships or swinging, which typically involve one committed relationship, and connections outside of it being more casual).
Solo polyamory, then, is both a type of polyamory and a type of non-monogamy.
Solo poly vs. single poly
They sound similar, but solo poly isn’t synonymous with “single poly.” The term “single poly” refers to someone who generally identifies as polyamorous, but isn’t currently in any relationships. They could identify specifically with solo poly, or another type of polyamory, which might involve primary partners and hierarchies.
Solo poly vs. relationship anarchy
Relationship anarchy is more than a relationship style. It’s a political philosophy: it rejects all relationship blueprints or “boxes,” instead encouraging that all relationships (even non-romantic ones) are determined freely and fluidly, with a blank slate, by the individuals involved.
Since there’s no hierarchy under relationship anarchy, most relationship anarchists are polyamorous. And there’s a lot of overlap in the ethical basis of both concepts: relationship anarchy and polyamory are both rooted firmly in ideas of community—recognizing that love and care are not fixed, finite, or zero-sum resources, but can be shared across multiple connections and constellations, to everyone’s benefit.
Solo poly can feel particularly anarchistic, since it’s entirely non-hierarchical (unlike other forms of polyamory), and so rooted in flexibility. Solo polyamorists might identify as relationship anarchists, and vice versa, but not necessarily.
Solo poly and queer identity
You don’t have to be queer to be poly. But solo poly, and polyamory in general, have a special place in the queer community—because both are about pursuing love and intimacy outside of “traditional” structures.
Historically, queer people have always had to forge their own relationship blueprints. We were never “taught” what queer love looked like; we rarely saw ourselves in partnerships on screen or in songs until relatively recently.
Dating someone who is solo poly
If you’re considering dating someone who is solo poly, it’s important to be honest with yourself about what you want, and whether the arrangement feels good for you, says Fernandes. But either way, try to approach it without judgment.
“There’s a stereotype that solo poly people are just avoidant, and not looking to ‘get serious,’ which is not true,” she continues. “People who identify as solo poly are some of the most self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and secure people I’ve met—who are transparent and honest with their capacity and ability to get entangled with others.”
So, give your prospective partner the opportunity to show you this. Ask them what solo poly looks like for them, and what kind of relationship they’d like with you: How much capacity will they have to spend time with you? What kinds of labels and commitments are they interested in? What will relationship progression look like between you?
“Just because someone doesn’t want to be on a traditional ‘relationship escalator’ doesn't mean that they’re not open to other milestones such as celebrating time spent together, meeting family, and planning long trips,” Fernandes points out.
Learn more about how to frame the conversation with our guide to talking about non-monogamy. And if you’re new to the world of polyamory, get curious. Check out ENM community events and online spaces, where you can meet others in similar relationships.
Ultimately, establishing solo poly boundaries is crucial for happy, healthy relationships.
Solo poly boundaries
Time
As with any non-monogamous relationship, one of the key issues for solo polyamorists can be how they split their time between partners (and leave some for themselves).
“Some [solo poly folks] find structure by setting up a calendar with specific days for different partners,” says Fernandes. “Others might set expectations around only being able to hang out every couple of weeks.”
Some may have partners who stay with them at their home part-time or for long stretches. For other poly folks, this might be an overstep.
There’s no single right way to do it—as long as everyone’s leading with communication, consistency, and care.
Emotional commitment
If you’re a solo poly person with different partners, you might not share the same depth of connection with everyone. With some, you might consider yourselves an important part of each other’s lives; be a shoulder to cry on when shit hits the fan in life. You might fall in love, go on trips, meet each other’s friends and families.
With others, you might not want—or have capacity for—all of this stuff. You might have connections that are more casual, short-term, or primarily sexual. Again, all of this is valid, as long as you’re upfront, and everyone’s on the same page.
Sex and intimacy
It’s fair to want to know how many other other people a partner is having sex with, and what safer sex practices they’re using. Some partners might want to know when you’ve spent intimate time with someone else, or you might operate on more of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis.
It’s also important to discuss how sex overlaps with each of your emotional needs. Some people might only want a sexual relationship if a certain level of emotional commitment is there too. Others might not feel that way.
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Having all of these conversations as early as possible is the first step. But a culture of ongoing communication is vital, too. Our needs and boundaries are ever-evolving, and just because something felt right or OK once doesn’t mean it always will.
“So it’s important to have frequent relationship check-ins and talk openly about the progression of each relationship,” emphasizes Fernandes.
Common challenges in solo poly relationships
Jealousy
It’s a common misconception that people in polyamorous relationships don’t—and shouldn’t—ever feel jealous. Jealousy is a human emotion, and polyamory isn’t about erasing uncomfortable feelings. But learning to process them healthily.
If a partner tells you jealousy is coming up for them, try to hold space for it, instead of being avoidant or defensive. Reaffirm how much they mean to you, and remind them that your love and closeness isn’t a finite or zero-sum resource. Sharing it with another partner doesn’t lessen the amount you have for them.
The term “compersion” refers to a feeling of joy when someone you love is happy with another person. To find out more, take a look at our guide on how to feel compersion in polyamorous relationships.
Burnout
Pursuing multiple relationships can be beautiful. It can also take it out of you. If you’re feeling burnt out, ensure you’re making enough time for yourself, too; it’s OK to tell your partners that you need some time to refill your own cup (in fact, it’s a core principle of solo polyamory). But if burnout is a consistent issue, it can also be worth considering whether you’re pursuing too many connections at once.
As Fernandes says, “a solo polyamorous person needs to be honest with themselves about their capacity and how many relationships they can realistically hold—and what expectations those relationships carry.”
Misconceptions about solo poly
Many people still misunderstand solo poly’s meaning. As Fernandes says, “some people see it as selfish or avoidant.” But in many cases, the opposite is true.
“Since there’s no standard script for what to expect [in solo poly relationships], this often means solo poly folks engage in constant communication, actively manage expectations, and work to ensure alignment with partners,” she points out. These are things even monogamous relationships can fall short on, when it’s easier to just assume each other’s intentions.
If you’re solo poly, or you’ve recently started dating someone who is, there may be people in your life who feel some type of way about it. But cultural attitudes toward polyamory are changing for the better. And in the meantime, you can help educate people you love by opening up conversations and sharing resources.
For more help, take a look at our guide to explaining polyamory to family and friends.
Solo polyamory can be a rich and empowering way to honor your independence while still nurturing love and connection, in all their forms. And while it used to be a relationship style confined to society’s fringes—slowly but surely—the tide is turning.
For many folks, solo poly offers a life of greater self-discovery, a wider sense of community, and relationships that can grow and thrive without the weight of rigid expectations. So if it resonates with you, stay curious, keep exploring, and consider trying it out.
No matter where you are on your poly journey, you can find folks to connect with on Feeld. Happy exploring.
