The Feeld guide to cuckqueaning

The term cuckold dates back to the Middle Ages, when it was used to describe men whose wives were unfaithful. Originally a derogatory term (and recently wrongfully reclaimed as such by certain alt-right groups), today, cuckolds are a bedrock of consensual kink culture.

But since cuckolding has typically centered on men, queer sex educator Gabrielle Kassel explains that cuckqueaning emerged to describe “a woman partner who is aroused emotionally, psychologically, physically, or sexually when her partner has sex with someone else.” 

Hot. But there’s more to it than that. So what is a cuckquean, why are people drawn to this, and if you’re new to the concept and interested in exploring it—where do you start?

What is the difference between a cuckold and a cuckquean?

“Cuckqueaning falls under the same umbrella as cuckolding,” reiterates Kassel. “Both are dynamics wherein someone is aroused by watching their partner [have sex] with another person.” They’re often used as gendered counterparts: a “cuckold” is commonly understood as a man who enjoys watching his partner with someone else; a “cuckquean” is a woman who enjoys watching her partner with someone else.

That said, “in queer communities, these gendered definitions often blur or fall away entirely, and many people use the terms more flexibly,” Kassel caveats. Some people don’t see the meaning of cuckquean as being about gender, but about the nature of the power dynamic. Where some cuckolds might find pleasure in feeling humiliated when their partner has sex with another person, cuckqueans might take on more of a position of power as they watch. 

It’s worth noting that neither cuckqueaning or cuckolding have to involve the literal, physical acts of watching and/or having sex. Maybe you just like to fantasize about it, either alone or with a partner. Maybe you want to roleplay with a partner, so they pretend they’ve fucked someone else, and they describe it to you. Or maybe you both like the idea of them actually fucking someone—but they just tell you about it, instead of you watching it happen.

Why do people enjoy cuckqueaning?

There’s no one-size-fits-all way to cuckquean, which means there’s no one-size-fits-all reason for why people might be drawn to it. 

For some, it’s about power exchange. Cuckqueans who are into BDSM might enjoy the dominance of giving orders, guiding the experience, or using something that is typically intimate and private between two others for their own pleasure. Or it might be a submissive thing, where they get off on the humiliation or degradation of watching a dominant partner have sex with another person (as mentioned, this is certainly a common theme of cuckolding).

Other driving forces might be compersion (finding joy in your partner’s pleasure), zelophelia (finding arousal in feelings of jealousy), voyeurism (simply finding pleasure in watching others have sex), or a dynamic combination of all of the above. “Additionally, some women enjoy watching their partners have sex with someone else because it highlights that their partner is, in fact, very desirable,” Kassel adds.

How to talk to others about cuckquean fantasies

Whether you’re sure you want to try full-on live cuckqueaning in your relationship, or you just want to flirt with the fantasy, the first step is getting curious about how it lands with your partner(s).

If you often talk about fantasies already, says Kassel, bringing up cuckqueaning might be as simple as: “I’ve been thinking about a new fantasy I want to share with you...” Or: “You know how I like to feel powerful during sex? I’ve been imagining something that plays with that dynamic...”

If you’re not already in the habit of talking so openly about sex, though, it can help to build that muscle first. “Start by post-game analyzing your sexual experiences together, where you share what parts felt good to you,” Kassel advises. “Talk about the sex you saw on-screen, read about in your last smut novel, or heard about from a friend.” You can find more inspiration in our guide to communicating your desires, and develop a deeper understanding of your wants with our Reflections tool. Once you both feel really safe and comfortable in these conversations, it can feel easier to bring up a fantasy like cuckqueaning.

However you get to the topic, it’s always helpful to name why cuckqueaning is appealing to you: Is it about dominance? Submission? Voyeurism? The “taboo”? “This can be especially beneficial within monogamous relationships, where these kinds of fantasies have the potential to trigger fears,” Kassel says (fears like, “if you want to watch me have sex with someone else, does that mean you don’t really care about me?” Or “if you want to have sex with someone else, does that mean I’m not enough?”).

“Proactively reassuring your partner—by naming that a fantasy doesn’t equal these fears—can go a long way in keeping the conversation feeling safe and connected,” says Kassel.

Exploring cuckquean dynamics in relationships

If your partner isn’t initially into the fantasy, it’s okay to be curious about why that might be, says Kassel. But, as always, it’s also paramount to respect their “no.” “Continuing to push can constitute a boundary break,” Kassel says.

If your partner is open to exploring further, start by dipping your toe into “lite” options, and see how they land. “What if you watched while your partner used a sex toy on themselves from across the room?” poses Kassel. “What if they dirty talked about fucking someone else during your sex together, with the mutual awareness that it’s just dirty talk?”

If, after further discussion, you both want to take it further into a real scenario with a third person, it’s vital that “all involved parties understand the dynamics at play and are enthusiastically agreeing to their roles,” says Kassel. That means the terms need to be explicitly communicated and negotiated ahead of time, over a series of ongoing conversations. Remember: agreements can always be re-negotiated, and consent can be withdrawn by anyone at any time. 

Don’t be afraid to get into the weeds. Kassel stresses the importance of covering:

• What specific sex acts are on and off the table 
• What amount of participation the cuckquean will have
• How the third will be found, and who will find them
• What amount of communication with the third feels good, including whether you’re open to an ongoing dynamic or not
• How you’ll navigate safer sex practices  
• What everyone needs to feel cared for during and after the experience(s)

Considerations for cuckqueaning

As with all kinks, cuckqueaning isn’t for everyone. Sometimes what we thought would be hot feels different up close. That’s why trust and emotional safety are crucial components along the way—so there’s room for feelings to evolve, and minds to change. 

You might want to agree on a safe word between you to stop play if anyone’s not having fun in the moment. And afterwards, be sure to get curious with each other about how it felt—so that if insecurities, unwanted jealousy, or any negative feelings came up, you can work through them together, and either find a version of cuckqueaning that feels good, or decide it’s not for you.

For the record, it’s absolutely valid to stick to those cuckqueaning “lite” options as an end in themselves. They don’t need to be a stepping stone to a real-life dynamic with a third; they can be the main event.

Cuckqueaning can be an exhilarating way to explore dominance, submission, compersion, and voyeurism. Like any kink or fantasy, it’s less about fitting into a label and more about collaborating on a version that works for you. So, if you’re considering cuckqueaning with your partner, don’t rush it: take time to talk it out, explore your boundaries, and see what feels good. 

To learn more, delve behind the scenes of a week with a cuckquean finding pleasure in her partner’s experiences. And if you’re ready to make new connections, you can be upfront about your desires on Feeld.