The Feeld guide to dirty talk (and texts, and sounds, and more)

But there are benefits to be had, if all parties are up for it. According to Medical Daily, dirty talk stimulates the amygdala, which is the part of your brain responsible for excitement and pleasure. There’s a reason it’s so hot when people tell you they like something while you’re doing it. Getting vocal in bed has psychological benefits, too. According to one study, shared sex talk enhances both sexual and relationship satisfaction, which can only ever be a good thing. 

Beyond the science, dirty talk is another form of good old-fashioned communication—a way to let your partner know what you’re enjoying, and to deepen the experience for you both. Plus, it’s hot!

Even so, like any sexual act, it’s important to explore what your partner—and yourself!—are actually into before throwing out a torrent of porn-esque lines in the bedroom. You might think calling someone “mommy” or “daddy” is a massive turn-on, whereas the person you're sleeping with might find it deeply unsexy—even uncomfortable. The only way to know is, as ever, to ask and find out. (And if you get it wrong the first time, that’s totally fine too).  

With the above in mind, here’s our guide on how to talk dirty.

Beyond words: Why your brain craves dirty talk

We tend to categorize sex as a physical act, but the truth is it’s much more of a psychological one, with physical elements (think about it: watching porn can turn you on before you’ve even touched yourself). With that in mind, it makes sense that dirty talk would enhance sexual pleasure, because it lights up more of the brain than physical touch and visuals alone, adding to the overall experience. 

This isn’t just conjecture, but proven by science. Dirty talk stimulates both the amygdala and hypothalamus—the parts of the brain responsible for emotional processing and sexual arousal, respectively. But, more than that, being vocal in bed can actually increase physical sensations. One study found that adding sound alongside touch can make the sensations feel more amplified (so saying “that feels good” probably makes it feel even better). 

Dirty talk phrases: From subtle to explicit

You don’t have to go from zero to one hundred when it comes to dirty talk. In fact, it usually helps to start subtle and build from there. A simple “fuck, yes” can go a long way—once you’ve gotten used to being vocal in a more general sense, the rest will feel more organic. 

Lucy Rowett, a sex and intimacy coach, says that if you’re not used to being vocal, starting by throwing in a few moans and gasps of pleasure—only when it actually feels good, of course—can loosen things up. “Then you can go up a notch by saying how you like how your partner smells, tastes, feels, or looks,” says Rowett. 

Not all dirty talk fits under the same umbrella. There’s “mutualistic” dirty talk—which is when we share the sexual experience with our partner (“Do you like that?”, “Tell me how you like it”). And there’s “individualistic” dirty talk, which is more focused on the speaker's desire and power (“You’re all mine,” “This is where I want you”). Both can make people incredibly horny, of course, but the former can also increase relationship satisfaction in the process because it opens communication.

We know that there are a million and one ways to talk dirty. But that can actually make things harder—especially if you’re not super vocally creative or practiced. So, what are some dirty talk scripts to follow? 

What are some examples of dirty talk?

Dirty talk can encompass a whole range of activities, from sending someone a raunchy text in the middle of the day (“Can’t wait to do XYZ to you later”) to affirming your partner during the act (“Just there,” “Exactly like that”). The type of dirty talk you use will really depend on what gets you—and your partner—off. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dirty talk, and there’s no harm in experimenting or getting playful with it. 

Sometimes, a good place to start is by expressing to your partner what turns you on (“I like it when you call me names in bed,” or “It really turns me on when you call me a good girl during sex”). Having a casual conversation on the subject when you’re not in bed can open up the possibilities for when you are—as well as encouraging your partner to express what they like, too. 

Here’s a breakdown of the different types of dirty talk:

• Mutualistic: “Do you like that?”, “Tell me how you like it.”
• Individualistic: “You’re all mine,” “This is where I want you.”
• Affirmations: “You feel so good,” “I love it when you touch me there.”
• BDSM: Partners might agree on language to use within an agreed BDSM dynamic, whether that’s giving orders, commands, praise, or calling each other by agreed names (like “mommy,” “daddy” etc.)
• Fantasies and role play: If you’re role playing certain characters or a certain scene, dirty talk can be an important part of maintaining this (we’re staying on-theme).

• And more! There’s no set script—so if something feels right for you and your partner(s), let your curiosity lead. 

  
  

How to talk dirty to partners

In a perfect world, the people you’re sleeping with would be into the same dirty talk as you—but that’s not always the case, so it’s important to be mindful. There’s a scene in HBO’s Girls that I always think of as the perfect example: Adam is having sex with his new girlfriend, Natalia, and they’re getting into it. Halfway through, he says something that viewers of the show will recognize as the kind of dialogue he used with his ex-girlfriend: “You’re a dirty little whore and you love my cock.” She stops suddenly, looking up. “No,” she says. “I can like your cock and not be a whore.” 

Don’t be an Adam—find out what your partner is into before throwing it all out there immediately, especially if it’s taboo or not for everyone. You don’t have to go into loads of detail, but saying, “I’m into being called names” or “I find it hot to call a partner names: would you like that?”, is important, rather than just going ahead with it. 

That said, broaching the topic of dirty talk for the first time might feel a little strange, or difficult to integrate into your sex life organically. So, how do you start talking dirty and feel normal about it?

How do I start talking dirty without feeling awkward?

As Lowett said, even just starting with a few moans, or single, directive words like “harder” and “softer,” can make dirty talk feel more natural. Then, the next time, you might feel more comfortable throwing in some other words, especially if your partner seemed receptive. I find that a simple “that feels good” can open the floor for being more vocal in general, or even just being instructive and telling someone what you like during the act can spice things up.  

Dirty talk can feel especially daunting if you’re new to a certain dynamic—maybe you’re experiencing a queer relationship for the first time, or having sex with a person who identifies with a gender that’s new to you. Maybe you’re exploring a dominant or submissive sexual dynamic. Whatever the case, starting slow and building up is only ever a good thing. And, as ever: communication, communication, communication. 

Mastering the art of sexting for relationships

Dirty talk needn’t be confined to the bedroom. As with anything sexual, development over time helps. I love receiving dirty messages from my partner when I’m out and about. This can be a sort of extended foreplay, and leave you looking forward to what awaits when you get home. It’s also just fun and silly, isn’t it? Intimacy and playfulness needn’t always be confined to sex and sex alone. 

Rowlett says that sexting is also a good way of practicing dirty talk, exploring what you like hearing or saying in sexual scenarios. “It’s easier to write it out,” says Rowlett. “Be experimental and playful.” 

How do I start sexting?

One of the great pleasures of sexting is that it’s easier to be daring or say things you might not have the courage to in person—which can open up a whole world of possibilities. But, as with any sexual act, even the virtual kind, it’s a good idea to test the waters first—start slow and build from there. 

You could bring up a prior sexual experience (“I’m still thinking about last night, I loved it when you XYZ”), or mention that you’re feeling turned on (“I’m feeling turned on thinking about XYZ”). If they respond in a positive way—especially if they reciprocate with something equally steamy—you’ll know to continue. You might even choose to throw in a few voice notes! Or take things to video call if you’re feeling especially daring and/or horny. 

When it comes to any kind of dirty talk, it’s worth practicing on your own first. The idea might sound a little cringe, but if you’re too shy or embarrassed to do something in front of yourself, then how are you going to relax around another person? I’m not suggesting you call yourself dirty names in the mirror before going to work—there’s a time and a place—but a bit of dirty talk during solo play can get you used to speaking out loud, and also give you an idea of what turns you on. If you’re fantasizing about another person, then why not incorporate dirty talk into that fantasy?

Finally, it’s important to remember that dirty talk is supposed to be fun, and it’s supposed to feel good for everyone involved. Sex needn’t ever feel like a test, or a source of anxiety. Be open, allow yourself to experiment, remain communicative, and, most importantly, enjoy yourself. 

Find more tips on voicing your wants in our guide to communicating your desires (you can take our Reflections tool for extra insights, too). 

Curious about exploring your desires—verbal and beyond? Discover new connections on Feeld.