Friends with benefits: A roundtable on rebranding a classic

Despite being used as a catch-all for everything from casual hookups to deeper connections, in recent years I’ve witnessed friends shying away from using the term. And I’ve noticed that I have too (even if the situation in question would typically be described as FWB). It feels too juvenile, dated, or reductive for what the dynamic actually is.

Look closer at the language, and you start to see why.Does the word “friends” really mean what we typically use it to mean—people who genuinely care about each other’s lives and feelings? Or is “friend” here just a euphemism for “person I’m not romantically involved with, but I’m hooking up with?” And “benefits?” The word itself implies a transactional dynamic. As if sex is an add-on, a perk, something extra layered onto a friendship. Yet in many relationships that could be deemed FWB, neither of these words accurately depict what’s actually going on. People connected primarily in a sexual capacity may be hesitant to refer to themselves as "friends" in the platonic sense, and "benefits" is much too reductive for genuinely intimate and caring dynamics.

The pop culture evolution

Given the term came from a moment in pop culture, it’s easy to understand why it falls short. “Friends with benefits” was first coined back in 1995 in Alanis Morissette’s song “Head Over Feet” with the lyric “You’re my best friend, best friend with benefits.” At the time, it felt somewhat revolutionary. It gave a name to a more modern evolution of the term “lover”: a no-strings connection that was sexual but not romantic (at least, not officially).Then, with the 2011 release of the film Friends With Benefits, the term captured a moment when casual hookups through early dating apps were becoming more normalized in mainstream culture. Yet even the film revealed a common problem—or reinforced a common stereotype: despite trying to stay strictly “friends with benefits,” the characters couldn’t help but develop deeper feelings. Back then, the self-help aisle was still considered uncool, and many Gen X-ers and millennials didn’t grow up with the language to talk about feelings and expectations. So FWB often meant one unspoken rule: “we can do very intimate things with each other, but we keep our emotional worlds out of it.” For some people, that worked simply, efficiently, and fulfillingly. For others, without clear communication, this often led to murky boundaries, unspoken expectations, and confusion. One person might have secretly longed for a relationship while the other was content with a random 11 p.m. hookup every two weeks—you know the drill. Hence, the old Facebook status: “It’s complicated.” Because often, it was. And it still can be.

From complicated to conscious

In more recent years, with the evolution of dating apps, broadened perspectives, and more popularized use of therapy (and the language that comes with it), conversations around needs, boundaries, sexual fluidity, and ethical non-monogamy (ENM) have become more mainstream. People are having more honest conversations about what they actually want from their connections. And with that shift, FWB—a term born from a moment when casual sex felt transgressive and unnamed—has started to feel not just inadequate but in some cases regressive.

Take Sara, a 43-year-old entrepreneur who has been casually having sex with a man for a few years. She sees him once every few months for a night of cocktails, kink, cuddles, and chats—in that precise order.

When I asked her if he was a friend with benefits, she hesitated.

“Well, I suppose,” she said. “Except with boundaries, communication, and no drama.”

For Sara—and many others—this type of dynamic is far more intentional than what FWB has historically connoted. “It works because there’s no confusion around what we are, and what we’re not,” she said. “He's polyamorous, I’m monogamous, so it would never work outside of this (we tried!). But we have deep respect and genuine care for one another. So it’s not a relationship, but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a ‘friends with benefits’ situation—they tend to feel messier… like someone you’re hooking up with, but you know you shouldn’t be.”

Sara’s experience, of course, isn’t universal. For some, FWB can still mean confusion and heartbreak. For others, it works beautifully. To further explore how people are connecting intentionally and casually today, we asked Feeld members: does FWB still work, what does it mean to you, and do we need to rebrand the dynamic with better language? 

What does “friends with benefits” mean to you?

“Friends with benefits to me means you’re able to take care of each other's needs, but still be able to hang out and chat. To have that closeness. Being in a poly relationship and having sex outside of my relationship, it allows me to have friends with benefits, where it's not just about sex, but to build that friendship with the extra [intimacy] makes it that much deeper.”—Skull, 36, non-binary, queer

“A no-strings-attached friendship based entirely on sex… In retrospect, never assume anything in a FWB situation; always discuss and set boundaries.”—Oskar, 40, male, straight

“It often starts as fun, but quickly gets confusing as one person (nearly always me!) eventually wants more.”—Emily, 39, female, straight 

“Two people who can't or won't commit for whatever reason, however, they still want to be intimate with each other.”—Ikuto, 31, male, straight

“Too many people today say FWB, but what they really mean is a FB (fuck buddy). Having a FWB means your friendship comes first, then sex. You actually care about each other as friends but enjoy each other's bodies on occasion.”—Jessica, 44, female, bisexual

“People who care for each other and enjoy connecting sexually without the expectation or desire for a formal relationship dynamic.”—Dave, 44, male, straight

“Casual, non-monogamous relationship with no strings attached; sexuality plus friendship; clear communication, no manipulation.”—BF3, 52, male, straight

“Having a close relationship with someone who I have sex with from time to time. It's not just about sex, though. We can talk about all sorts of things I'd talk about with other friends. We both see other people and are comfortable talking about this with each other.”—Bee, 47, female, straight 

Do you think the term FWB accurately describes this type of connection?

“It’s a good start, [but] can be a bit tricky in terminology and lacks sensitivity sometimes.”—Em, 25, non-binary, pansexual

“Not anymore, FWB has been turned into fuck buddies.”—Jessica, 44, female, bisexual

“It has connotations of a casual thing, which for me, it isn't.”—Bee, 47, female, straight 

“It works well for some people and for some connections, but it’s not always the best term for the dynamic.”—Dave, 44, male, straight

“Not always. My experience is that you’re not always treated with the same respect as a friend. The term can also feel a little juvenile, too. Like I might have used it in my 20s, but it feels outdated now.”—Emily, 39, female, straight 

“I think it’s a quirky attempt at catching the true sense, relatively accurate, but describing the intimacy of sex as ‘benefits’ is a bit shortsighted.”—Björn, 25, male, polysexual

Does naming this type of dynamic help you to understand it better?

“I have a STARS talk [which stands for safety, turn-ons, avoids, relationship intentions/expectations, and sexual health status] with everyone I'm sexually active with. So communication, expectations, and boundaries are all addressed on the front end.”—Justin, 49, queer, pansexual

“For sure. I need some kind of order as I'm on the spectrum, so not having this specific tag would make me really anxious as I have no idea what's going on.”—Ikuto, 31, male, straight

“I think it can be helpful for people who want to draw firm boundaries with respect to how the relationship develops and progresses, but maybe it could be too restrictive for people who want to let a connection like that develop more organically.”—Anonymous, 38, cis male, pansexual

“If the two people aren’t really friends, I would call this a situationship or just a casual relationship. To me, the two being real friends is what matters. The sexual relationship shouldn’t be the most important part. I think boundaries/expectations should be discussed, but I would expect that from any kind of sexual relationship.”—Anonymous, 24, non-binary, queer

“Yes! An honest chat about what you both want and where you’re at can prevent so much confusion and heartache later down the line.”—Emily, 39, female, straight 

What would you suggest as a new name for FWB, and why?

“Sometimes the term lover is more endearing and appropriate.”—Dave, 40, male, straight “Part-time lover.”—Skull, 37, non-binary, queer

“I prefer lover. It sounds more sexy and makes me think of lingerie and an illicit affair during a hot summer in Rome or Paris! FWB feels like all the messy situations I had when I lacked self-respect and accepted crumbs!”—Emily, 39, female, straight“In Aussie slang, we call them fuck buddies.”—Damian, male, straight

“Intimate friends.”—Osman, 38, male, straight

“Honestly, I imagine that I could just call them a friend regardless if we're having sex. The ‘benefits’ really is just redundant because it's nobody's business whether or not we're having sex.”—Justin, 49, queer, pansexual

A case of semantics or just clear communication?

So, is “friends with benefits” more than just its name? Would “erotic entanglement” or “pleasure paramour” be better? A “consciously casual companion” or maybe “sensual suitor”? Depending on your dynamic, “horned-up bestie” might be right. “Comrade cumm!ing” for those of us who are in the struggle together.

Perhaps what we really need isn’t a new word at all (though—last one!—”my ass-ociate (respectfully)” kind of takes the cake). What matters most is the conversation itself—it’s about the emotional labor and self-awareness required to sustain these relationships, and the maturity to navigate them with honesty. It’s important  for both people involved to decide what the dynamic specifically means to them, through conversations, boundaries, and agreements, rather than relying on a pre-defined label. “Friends with benefits,” “intimate friends,” “erotic acquaintance”—whichever term you choose, it can be a fulfilling mode of exploration for many (beyond the limiting way pop culture has framed it). It speaks to consent, transparency, and mutual needs—and that will always be meaningful.

Curious about the connections waiting for you? Explore with intention on Feeld.