Polysecure vs. Polyamory: What’s the difference and why does it matter?

While it’s often overly simplified—or straight up misrepresented—in contexts like this, attachment theory is grounded in decades of psychological research that helps explain how we each perceive and show up in our relationships. 

And while most literature on the topic has remained mononormative, there’s growing discussion around how these ideas can be understood in the context of polyamorous relationships.

Enter “polysecure”: a term coined by psychotherapist Jessica Fern in her 2020 book Polysecure, which refers to the cultivation of secure attachment in polyamorous relationships. But what does polysecure really mean, how is it different from polyamory at large, and why should poly folks in committed partnerships be striving towards it?

What is polysecurity (secure-attachment polyamory)?

Broadly speaking, to be polysecure is to practice polyamory with secure attachment. But let’s back up a sec.

“Attachment theory,” which was developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s, suggests that our behavior in relationships can be categorized into certain “styles” or patterns, sometimes (but not always) informed by our childhood experiences.

Securely attached people may find it relatively easy to:

• Give and receive love
• Communicate feelings and needs—and offer a safe space for their partner’s
• Set and respect healthy boundaries
• Trust partners and be trusted in return
• Regulate emotions 
• Feel secure in themselves and the way their partner feels about them

In short, when someone is securely attached, they operate from a belief that love is safe—as opposed to operating from a fear of abandonment (commonly known as anxious attachment), or an aversion to letting others in (commonly known as avoidant attachment).

Teachings and resources on relationships have long emphasized the importance of secure attachment for success and satisfaction. But, as Jessica Fern’s work highlights, most of this guidance assumes that all relationships are exclusive between two people—contributing to the misconception that in order to be securely attached, your relationship has to be monogamous. 

In reality, secure attachment doesn’t come from the structure of a relationship. It’s an internal experience; in Fern’s words, it’s “an embodied expression built upon how we consistently respond and attune to each other.” And we can have it—or lack it—in any relationship style.

Polysecurity, then, is the state of nurturing a secure sense of self, and secure attachment to partners, in polyamorous relationships—which can come with different considerations to monogamous ones.  

Is polysecure an official term?

“Polysecure” isn’t a clinically recognized term. It was coined by Fern in her 2020 book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. But the concept is grounded in well-established attachment theory, which has been a focus of relationship and psychology research for some 60 years.

Fern’s book adapted attachment principles to polyamorous and non-monogamous contexts, offering language and tools to help folks better navigate more “complex” relationship dynamics.

Polysecure vs polyamory—what’s the difference?

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple loving or romantic relationships at one time (with the consent of everyone involved). “Polysecurity,” meanwhile, refers to the cultivation of secure attachments in those polyamorous relationships.

• Polyamory: A type of non-monogamous relationship style that involves having or being open to multiple committed romantic partners at one time. There are many different types of polyamory, but they can involve any and all attachment styles (e.g. secure, anxious, avoidant).
• Polysecurity: An approach to polyamory rooted in secure attachment—where partners actively work on trust, boundaries, communication, and emotional regulation to build healthy and stable connections.

Why it matters

Approaching polyamory through a polysecure lens can reduce emotional harm, create healthier, happier dynamics, and bolster the sustainability of complex relationship networks.

Can you be polyamorous and not polysecure?

Yes. Just as in monogamous relationships, polyamorous folks can have a range of attachment patterns besides secure—often understood through the labels “anxious,” “avoidant,” and “disorganized.” And, as Kirby reminds us, polyamory isn’t “off limits” for anybody. 

“If someone finds themselves fixating on metamours, comparing themselves to them, competing for attention, or using a connection with one partner to provoke jealousy in another, this may indicate some anxious attachment feelings have been activated,” explains psychotherapist Victoria Kirby. “Similarly, when we are feeling anxiously attached, we might find it harder to enjoy time alone, seek a lot of reassurance when a partner is away, or struggle when plans change.”

Meanwhile, “behaviors that are associated with a more ‘avoidant’ attachment pattern might include sidestepping emotional depth, and instead leaning on independence and lightly structured relationship agreements,” Kirby continues, “not because the person does not want emotional intimacy, but because the vulnerability of it feels frightening.”

That said, attachment behaviors rarely fit neatly into one category, and are often more complex and fluid. “Different partners may activate different attachment patterns, as the unique dynamics of each relationship bring different parts of us online,” says Kirby. 

“The key question may not be, ‘Am I secure, anxious, or avoidant?’ but rather: ‘Which parts of me are being activated [in this relationship], and how am I responding to them?’”

Can attachment styles change within polyamory?

Attachment patterns can change in any relationship structure. They’re typically thought to form in childhood based on the relationships we have with our primary caregivers, Kirby explains—but different patterns can also be activated by the partners and relationship dynamics we experience as adults. 

Crucially, “secure attachment can also be cultivated by learning to express feelings, listen, empathize, notice triggers, and move through defences,” Kirby says. 

So, let’s dig deeper on how you might do that.

How to create polysecure relationships

First of all, you need to make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page about how you want to show up for one another. For poly or ENM folks, their main attachment-based relationships might be with “primary,” “nesting,” or “anchor” partners (though for solo poly folks, these labels typically won’t apply). Still, you can cultivate secure attachment with any of your poly partners. 

“Nurturing secure attachment in non-monogamous relationships isn't inherently different from that in monogamous relationships,” Kirby points out. “However, there may be more complexity to navigate, and some specific triggers to manage.”

Here are some steps to get you started.

Understand your attachment dynamics

“Secure attachment is as much about our relationship [with] ourselves as it is [about those with] other people,” says Kirby. “Understanding how your attachment fears are activated can help you to avoid getting taken over by old stories and insecurities.” 

Grounding and regulation practices, journaling, personal therapy, seeking support from friends and community, and other self-reflection practices can help you to deepen self-awareness and self-compassion. 

Create clarity via relationship agreements

“Secure attachment is fostered when agreements are made collaboratively, revisited regularly, and shaped with awareness of everyone’s needs,” says Kirby. 

Relationship agreements can touch on all kinds of things: how much time you’ll carve out for each other, how you’ll communicate when you’re apart, how much you share about other partners, what your boundaries are, and safer sex practices.

But, as Kirby says, for them to work, it’s crucial to be really honest about your own needs and limits, listen to your partner’s, and make space to regularly revisit and revise the terms.

You might want to make time for regular check-ins to discuss any challenges you’ve experienced, plus what’s been going well (“expressing gratitude, delight, and celebrating other connections together strengthens bonds and reduces zero-sum thinking,” says Kirby.)

Address your insecurities with compassion 

“Secure attachment doesn't mean never feeling scared. It means noticing your fears as they arise, naming them, and holding them gently,” says Kirby—instead of letting them consume you, or acting impulsively out of emotion.

You might notice you’re feeling insecure when a partner’s on a date, and instead of instantly messaging them, you text a friend instead. You might feel jealous of your partner’s relationship with someone else, and instead of withdrawing, you tell them your thoughts—not so they can "fix it," but so they can empathize, and give you the reassurance you need.

Security grows when fears are welcomed, validated, and processed healthily, rather than dismissed or suppressed. What’s more, if you want to explore how to experience joy around your partner’s connections with others, take a look at our guide to feeling compersion.

Stay attuned to your partners’ feelings 

“Attunement involves being present to your partner’s emotional state and responding with care,” says Kirby. It’s about meeting them with curiosity, and a genuine desire to understand their feelings and needs; considering their point of view in your decisions and thought processes.

It could involve asking them what they need to feel comfortable when you spend time with someone else—or sending them a message to let them know you’re thinking of them after you’ve been on a date.

It could be proactively recognizing that something might have dysregulated them recently—maybe you haven’t spent as much time together, or a new partner is on the scene—and starting a conversation about it yourself.

Crucially, “attunement is less about grand gestures and more about consistency,” Kirby says.

Spend quality time together

“Secure attachment is nourished when partners feel prioritized, even amidst multiple relationships,” says Kirby. 

So, be intentional about consistently setting aside time to really engage with each of your partners, including those you might live with but rarely get distraction-free time with—whether it’s downtime at home, date nights out, weekends away, or trying new activities or experiences together.

Polysecurity and solo polyamory

Solo poly is a style of polyamory in which someone might have multiple romantic relationships, but they still live an “independent” life: they don’t prioritize any primary partners, and are largely uninterested in traditional relationship goals that involve merging their life with someone else’s (moving in together, getting married, having kids etc.). 

It’s a common misconception that solo polyamorists don’t have “serious” or meaningful relationships—and, by extension, that they’re incapable of securely attached relationships.

Still, it’s important to be aligned from the get-go within solo poly relationships as to whether you want to be attachment figures to one another—and then draw from the strategies above to cultivate that safety and security. Want to learn more about solo poly? Take a look at our guide to understanding the concept.

Is solo poly inherently secure?

No. Just as with monogamy and polyamory more broadly, solo poly relationships might involve any combination of attachment patterns, including anxious and avoidant. Relationship structure alone cannot forge a secure attachment, because secure attachment is an internal experience influenced by a range of factors.

To recap, polyamory is a relationship structure, while polysecurity means nurturing secure attachment in those relationships—giving you a stronger foundation to manage them without losing yourself, or each other, in the process.

So, if you’re interested in polyamory, know that attachment patterns are fluid, and can change. But it’s absolutely possible to nurture and sustain secure attachment across multiple committed relationships at once. 

Want to dive deeper? Jessica Fern’s Polysecure, poly-affirming therapists, and ENM communities and digital spaces are all great places to start. To explore connections with others first-hand, find what you’re looking for on Feeld.