What sexual kinks are, and how to talk about them with partners

Let’s dig into what kinks are (and is a kink really all that different to any other sexual preference, like preferring to do it with the lights on, or wanting to take off your socks first?), plus how to open the conversation around them.

If you’re ready to take the next step in understanding your relationship with kink, and how you prefer to communicate your desires, you can explore Reflections—a free self-discovery tool for the curious. Go beyond the surface with Feeld.

What is a sexual kink?

A kink is, in short, something that turns you on—something you like when it comes to sex. You might incorporate it into sex or intimacy, or you might not, and you and your partner(s) may have multiple kinks that you enjoy at different times, on their own, or in fun combos.

What’s the difference between a kink and a fetish?

So how is this different from a fetish? Basically, it comes down to how often that thing (whether it's a role play, item of clothing, location, object, or anything else) plays a part in sex, or how important it is. Usually, fetishes will be more of a focus, or be more intense or specific than a kink.Certified sexologist and author of Kink Curious: A Guide to Exploring Your Kinks, Dispelling Shame, and Staying Safe, Gigi Engle, explains how to think about fetishes vs. kinks: “You can think of kink as an umbrella term for any ‘non-vanilla’ sexual desire or act. Of course, what counts as kinky will be different from one person to the next, and there’s a lot of nuance about what kink means.” A fetish tends to be more specific. It usually refers to “a particular object or body part that plays a central role in arousal,” Gigi explains. For many people, a fetish is an important part of their erotic landscape, but not necessarily the only way they experience pleasure.

It’s important to remember that any and all sexual practices that are safe and consensual are equally acceptable, and they should not be a source of shame.. There is nothing wrong with having a consensual and safe fetish or kink.

Kinks through history

Kinks and fetishes have been a part of sex pretty much forever. There’s even evidence of people enjoying sexual kinks in Ancient Rome. And let’s not forget that the kinkiest book maybe ever written, 120 Days of Sodom by Marquis de Sade (where, spoiler alert, four French men basically run around exploring every kink you can think of and having orgies) was written in 1785. Kink definitely is not new. 

Normalizing kink

Socially, it’s fair to say that kink has sometimes been stigmatized, or presented as taboo. Not all media portrayals of kink (and kinky folks) are realistic. In fact, some are downright off-base. Enjoying wearing latex or leather doesn’t mean you have to have a Hellraiser-adjacent interest in sadomasochism, like the movie might suggest. But the good news is that the conversation is opening, and our collective perception of kink is shifting to (rightfully) normalize it.  

The discussions we have with our partner(s) can also be a part of this, as well as the understanding we have of our own desires. If you want to delve deeper into your kinks, desires, and preferences before bringing them up with a partner, try Feeld’s Reflections tool. 

How to tell your partner about a kink 

So, how can you start the conversation about kink? 

“You could try writing a sexual bucket list,” suggests Gigi. “You can each write down things you’re interested in. I’d recommend going away and doing this separately, then coming back together. You can go through them and talk about which things are a yes, a no, or a maybe [for you].”

You can also work through a similar process with Feeld’s Reflections tool—either answering alone and sharing your results with partner(s) afterwards, or taking the tool side-by-side and talking through each question as it comes up. This offers the opportunity for you to show your partner how you feel about different kinks and acts, as well as prompting ongoing conversation about the things you’d like to try.

Elsewhere, you might explore which kinks you’re interested in through erotica, audio erotica, or ethical porn. “An easy way in is to suggest watching some kinkier porn with a partner,” says Gigi. “I wouldn’t recommend porn that is solely about that kink, but rather something that incorporates it. Say you want to try spanking, find some porn that includes that, and by watching with your partner you can gauge their reaction,” and discuss how you each feel about it.Talking about your sexual kinks doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or intimidating, and can lead to more fulfilling connections, and a deepened understanding of yourself and your partner(s). 

Preparing for the conversation 

It may be useful to think first about what you like, and what you’re getting out of exploring a certain kink. There are lots of ways to do this, including by exploring ethical porn and erotica to find out about new things. Anna Richards, founder of FrolicMe, an independent female-led site for ethically produced erotic content focused on healthy sexuality and female pleasure, shares her insights. “Used consciously, erotica can be a quietly powerful form of self-discovery, a way to explore desire on your own terms,” she says. “Discover what stirs you and what doesn’t, what you are drawn to and why, even how it feels for you.” Anna also points out there are lots of ways to explore erotic content outside of video. You might read erotica, explore audio erotica, or listen to audiobooks. This can be a great way to try out things that are new or that you’re not so sure about in a way that feels more comfortable.  

The same is true when thinking about your boundaries. These might include things that you definitely don’t want to try, or things that feel like a “maybe,” which you may be intrigued to explore slowly or under certain conditions. “Boundaries exist on a spectrum,” Anna points out. “Look to frame your thoughts into areas of hard no (not on any terms), [and] then those that you are curious to consider. This is where you might explore with trust, time, and consideration.” Ultimately, Anna says, it’s important to remember that “exploring desire doesn't mean you have to act on anything, and having boundaries doesn't make you boring.” To delve deeper, you can revisit Reflections as many times as feels fulfilling to get better acquainted with your own desires, before bringing them to a partner. Elsewhere, you can explore our introductory guide to kink, and our deep dive on communicating your desires.

What to say and how to say it 

There are lots of ways you might kick off a conversation about kinks. Maybe you saw something in porn or erotica, or even in a mainstream movie, that you both enjoyed. You could start off saying something like: “I thought that movie scene was hot. I really liked it when…” It can be a good idea to use “I” statements, to make it clear you’re describing how you feel, and what you might like to explore. For example: 

• “I really like it when…” 
• “For me, it’s a big turn on to…” 
• “I’ve been thinking about something…”

If you’re using Feeld’s Reflections tool, you might share your results with a partner, so that they can read about your relationship with kink in more depth. If you’re taking the tool side-by-side, you might pause on individual questions and tell your partner how interested you are in certain acts, sensations, kinks, or fetishes. 

It’s important to avoid pressuring your partner. Conversations about kink are better when they focus on how you feel, and your wish to express that feeling to your partner—leaving space for them to share their own desires too. It might feel vulnerable, but opening up can help to foster trust, intimacy, and meaningful connection. 

Addressing fears of rejection

Talking about kinks might feel daunting due to the worry that your partner won’t be into the same things—or that their reaction might leave you feeling judged or rejected.  Remember that a partner saying no to your kink isn’t them judging or rejecting you. It’s totally valid if your partner doesn't want to try something, or if they try it once and don’t like it. If you both want to continue the conversation, you might ask questions to find out what it is about the kink they’re not so sure on—and you might discover something they do want to try. Sometimes, having different preferences around sex can teach you something about your partner, and can help the connection to grow—rather than being a sign of incompatibility or a dealbreaker.

What if I don’t like my partners’ kinks? 

People won’t always share the same kinks, and that’s completely normal. It’s expected to have some differences in the things you enjoy sexually. The most important thing is mutual respect, and understanding yours and your partners’ boundaries. Some people choose to come to a compromise. Maybe your partner is keen to try some aspect of your kink, but other parts just aren’t for them. Sometimes, people need to test something out to discover whether they like it or not. You could try each making a list of things you’d like to explore, things you might be into, and things that are definitely a no, and go from there. If you find that a kink is very important to you and your partner really doesn’t want to explore it, this doesn’t have to spell the end of your connection or relationship. If you’re ethically non-monogamous (ENM), you might mutually decide that you’ll explore your kinks separately from one another. Still, if the connection doesn’t feel right, and you find yourself considering whether you want to end it, that’s valid too. 

To explore starting conversations about ENM, take a look at our guides to talking about non-monogamy, and how to choose the dynamic that’s right for you. For some people, speaking to a relationship therapist can help them work out whether a mismatch in their kinky preferences signals something deeper about their relationship. If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner about your desires or kinks, speaking to someone else who can be objective can sometimes be a big help. 

Step-by-step guide to thinking about kink: 

1. Start with yourself and your desires. What do you like? What are you interested in? 
2. When speaking to your partner, stick to “I” statements—talk about how you feel. 
3. Never pressure your partner into something they’re not comfortable with. 
4. Keep the conversation going. It’s about curiosity and wanting to get to know your partner better. 
5. Respect your own boundaries, and those of your partner. If you explore a kink, keep checking in during, and keep talking afterwards. 

Safe and consensual explorations of kink don’t end when you finish playing. It’s important to check in with yourself and your feelings, and to keep talking to your partner about how exploring a kink made them feel, especially when it’s new (but the same goes for ongoing dynamics too). Read up on aftercare, and be sure to make space for any emotions that might occur. Remember, kink is meant to be fun! More than anything, it’s an opportunity to let go of inhibitions, to try new things, and to deepen your connection with yourself and your partner(s). Wherever you are in your kink journey, you can discover more with Feeld—whether that’s by listing kink as one of your desires in the app, connecting with others who share the same interests, or taking Reflections to deepen your understanding of what you’re looking for. Go beyond the surface with Feeld.