Soft Dom explained: Traits, tips, and how to be one

Of course, consent, support and safety are paramount in any sub/Dom dynamic, but a soft Dom creates a different atmosphere to other flavors of BDSM. Let’s explore how…

What is a soft Dom?

A soft Dom is a term used in the kink and BDSM world to describe a dominant with a gentle approach. They take charge by creating an emotionally safe and compassionate environment, favoring praise, politeness and nurturing their sub. While emotional safety and communication are vital in all BDSM scenarios, a soft Dom makes these things part of the experience. 

Sex educator Lola Jean explains that these terms and subcategories, while frequently evolving, are helpful for people to use to communicate their desires and boundaries. “There are constantly going to be new and changing terms,” she says. “It might mean something different to one person, so if someone describes themselves as a soft Dom, ask what it looks like for them, and what their style of domming is. Labels and words are helpful, but they’re not all-encompassing.”

A Dom/sub dynamic is about the pleasure of both parties, but some derive more pleasure than others through pain and strictness. It can be helpful to make the distinction between soft and hard domination when talking through your desires, to make sure everyone’s expectations are on the same page.

“I see a soft Dom as similar to a service top, but rooted in a more obvious power dynamic,” says Jean. “So a service top is somebody who’s doing everything for the pleasure of the bottom. When someone says they're a Dom or dominant, there can be [an impression] that this person is just going to use corporal punishment, be strict … call someone names, but saying you’re a soft or pleasure Dom takes [some of that away].”

Soft Dom vs hard Dom: Key differences

“Whether you’re a hard, soft or pleasure Dom—whatever you are, to be a responsible dominant, the submissive’s needs and desires should always be taken into account,” says Jean. “It’s not just what the Dom says, goes—unless that is what the submissive desires.”

So, while all BDSM relationships hinge on consent, there are differences in the kind of things soft and hard Doms might bring to a play session.

• Control: A hard Dom might use firm or degrading language (if the sub is into that), and sharp orders to take control, whereas a soft Dom is more likely to use praise and positive reinforcement to get their sub to obey.
• Pain: Pain can still be part of a soft Dom session––but it might be on the lighter end of things. There may be more praise and cuddly aftercare, and soft Doms might choose to keep impact play light and fun.
• Punishment and reward: A soft Dom may prefer to offer reward when the sub does their bidding, rather than punishment if they don’t.

Core traits and behaviors of a soft Dom

What does being a soft Dom mean in practice? “I think a soft Dom might be more patient than maybe a hard Dom,” says Jean. “A soft Dom [may] be more versatile. [They may] be more flexible, more curious.” Some examples of soft Dom behavior might be someone who likes to gain obedience out of a sub with promises of a reward––as one Redditor puts it, “I use the carrot before the stick”. 

In terms of what a soft or hard domination scene looks like in practice––again, that’s going to differ from person to person, but a soft Dom might prefer less force and gentler language. A soft Dom may promise a reward if the sub complies, while a hard dom may simply order their sub to do the thing—potentially throwing in some derogatory language too, or punishing the sub with a spank for disobedience. “For me, a ‘soft Dom’ is gentle, kind and nurturing. She calls her sub by affectionate names like ‘honey,’ ‘baby,’ ‘pet,’” says another Reddit user, adding that a hard Dom may use more intense or degrading terms. 

How to be a soft Dom

So, you think you’d enjoy being a soft Dom, but need a bit of guidance on how to do it? Jean’s advice on being a good pleasure Dom is relevant here. A soft Dom gets off on being responsive to a sub’s needs and coaxing them to do things with praise and persuasion. That means communication is key. “Ask about their turn-ons, soft spots, fantasies, and limits. Make a shared sex menu, ask open-ended questions, and check in often,” Jean advises. That dialogue works best when it’s ongoing—creating space for emotional attunement to grow—rather than being a one-off conversation, so check in regularly. 

A soft Dom may also be a master of self-control. A bratty sub might earn a spanking from a hard Dom, but a soft Dom won’t seem “angry”. Negotiate and request rather than demand, and shower the sub with praise when they do your bidding. Think “please”, “thank you” and “good job”, rather than “do it now.” 

Soft Doms in relationships and scenes

What does being a soft Dom look like in a relationship or in a scene? “A soft Dom might say things like, ‘I really care about your needs, there’s no rush, take it slow,’” says Jean. They may reassure the sub and make them feel safe before issuing any kind of guide or order. “It’s really focused on the other person’s needs,” she continues. “It comes down to, ‘what turns you on, turns me on’”. The submissive’s excitement is the dominant’s excitement.

In a more general sense, a soft Dom might be into shared connection and communication––“the cerebral”, as Jean puts it––than being strict and taking charge. “A soft Dom might want to dominate someone with their mind, or want someone to be good so that they can reward them, and give them everything that they want, instead of leading with punishment,” explains Jean.

Like any kind of BDSM dynamic, it’s important to prioritize safety and enjoyment for everyone involved. This might include regular check-ins to discuss boundaries and limits, and agreements on when and how to de-escalate scenes (with a safe word, for example). 

Where and how to find a soft Dom

If you’re a sub who enjoys a gentle guiding hand, or a soft Dom itching to praise a sub into blissful obedience, you can connect with like-minded people on Feeld. You can tag desires like “being dominant”, “being submissive” or “being a switch” on your profile, or share that you’re into the softer side of domination in your bio. 

For in-person meetings, you can connect with others at Feeld’s socials and events—as well as at dedicated kink and BDSM meet-ups in your area. Elsewhere, you can check out bigger club nights like Torture Garden and Klub Verboten in the UK and parts of Europe, as well as location-specific events in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and beyond.

Whether you’re initially meeting on an app or in person, Jean suggests some questions you could ask new connections:

• What is it about subbing/domming you enjoy?
• What things make you really happy [in a BDSM dynamic]?
• What does an ideal scenario look like to you?

For subs searching for a Dom, you might ask:

• How do you like learning about what your submissive likes?
• Are you open to adapting your fantasies to a sub’s desires?

Soft Dom considerations: Consent, boundaries and aftercare

As always, transparent conversations and active consent are a priority—ensuring that consent is informed, specific, reversible and freely given. This can include talking through activities and boundaries beforehand, and establishing a safe word which signals your desire to change or stop what’s happening.  

While a sub takes orders from a Dom, they do this not because they’ve been forced, but because being dominated turns them on. In a healthy BDSM dynamic, the sub’s desires and enjoyment are held in equal regard to the Dom’s. Boundaries should be made clear, with the Dom and sub given space to explain what their hard lines are, and the things they want or are open to trying. 

Aftercare is another important part of many BDSM and kinky dynamics. Scenes can be intense––for both Dom and sub––and you might feel in a vulnerable headspace afterwards. Aftercare may be physical—including things like cuddling, stroking and lying together—but it’s also emotional. It’s you and your partner’s chance to debrief after the session and discuss how you’re feeling. You might talk about what you enjoyed, plus anything you were less comfortable with, and what you might do differently next time. 

Whatever approach a soft Dom takes, just like a pleasure Dom or service top, they’re likely to be most turned on by their sub having a good time—whether that’s through light pain, punishment, reward, obedience, or emotional intensity. Intrigued? Find transparent connections, and explore your desires, on Feeld.