Pleasure, please: Exploring the art of the pleasing kink

Of course, most people want their sexual partners to have a good time. But not always to the extent of pleasers. So let’s back up: What does it mean to have a kink for giving pleasure, how do you know if you have one, and where do you start with exploring it? With the help of sex educator Gabrielle Kassel, and sex therapist Nikita Fernandes, let’s talk about it.

What is a pleasing kink?

A pleasing kink is about finding excitement and arousal in pleasuring your partner(s). “It’s when the act of giving is the turn-on—the erotic charge that comes from seeing a partner experience pleasure, and being the one to provide it,” says queer sex educator and journalist Gabrielle Kassel. It’s worth noting that a pleasing kink isn’t quite the same as a praise kink. But more on that later.

Pleasing kinks can show up in different ways. In more “vanilla” or non-BDSM relationships, a pleasing kink might simply look like finding delight in “learning what your partner responds to, introducing them to new sensations, paying attention to their verbal and non-verbal cues, and adapting their stimulation in real time,” says Kassel.

In BDSM, it’s common for submissives to get deep satisfaction out of pleasing their dominant: they might enjoy being guided, or they might like to anticipate their dom’s desires—being proactive for extra credit. “They might also enjoy being consensually ‘used,’ as if a sex toy, to please their partner,” adds Kassel. (Which differs from, say, a brat, who defies authority a little more).

But pleasers can be dominant, too. “Those with a pleasing kink, but who still like to be in charge, might refer to themselves as pleasure Dom(me)s,” says Kassel, “which is a way to signal that they like being in control, but their primary objective is still their partner’s—or submissive’s—pleasure.” 

Of course, someone can also be a switch, where they might enjoy subbing and domming—and perhaps pleasing and being pleased—at different times. 

Does everyone have a pleasing kink?

Anyone can have a pleasing kink, but not everyone will. Some people might enjoy being pleased more than they enjoy pleasing. Plus, sexual scripts often teach us that sex is about bringing each other to orgasm—and some may feel an ego boost when they “achieve” it. But pleasers find deep arousal in the journey to getting someone there: the curiosity, communication, and collaboration that makes their partner’s utmost pleasure possible along the way.

How do I know if I have a pleasing kink?

“It can help to reflect on which part of sex feels most fulfilling,” says Kassel. “Is the highlight, for you, watching your partner please you? Is it being serviced? Is it your own orgasm? If so, you likely don’t have a pleasing kink.” But if your partner’s pleasure is a top priority for you—not simply out of reciprocation—then you just might. 

“For some, the clearest sign is noticing that sex feels incomplete or unsatisfying when they aren’t able to please their partner,” elaborates Kassel. 

Or if you “feel a bit like a sex nerd,” she adds, that can be another clue. Maybe you find joy in learning about anatomy, technique, and all the other ins and outs of how to pleasure someone’s body and mind. 

How being a pleaser overlaps with other kinks 

Kinks don’t exist in a vacuum. Often, they’re like an ingredient in a broader recipe that cooks up great sex for us—there to be mixed and layered and experimented with, depending on what you’re craving in the moment.

What’s the difference between a praise kink and a pleasing kink?

The distinction between a praise kink and pleasing is that a praise kink centers on the arousal you might feel from being praised during sex. It’s being turned on by affirmation or encouragement from your partners (e.g. “good girl” or “you’re doing so well.”)

A pleasing kink, on the other hand, is about the act of pleasing itself. It’s the satisfaction of doing things that are making your partners feel good—the excitement in watching them enjoy it—whether they praise you for it or not.

Of course, they can go hand in hand, especially among more submissive folks. You might get turned on by both the act of pleasing and the praise that follows. Take a look at our guide to praise kinks to delve deeper.

As a comparison, here’s a useful way to understand the distinction:

What are you focused on?

• Praise kink: Receiving verbal affirmation
• Pleasing kink: Giving pleasure/service

What’s the trigger?

• Praise kink: Your partner’s words 
• Pleasing kink: Your partner’s enjoyment

What might you feel?

• Praise kink: Validation
• Pleasing kink: Fulfillment

Obedience vs. pleasing: Understanding the distinction

Obedience and pleasing can both be forms of submission. But obedience is typically reactive: doing exactly as you’re told, when you’re told. Whereas pleasing can be proactive: looking for non-verbal cues, anticipating your partner’s desires, and finding satisfaction in making them happy—without necessarily being asked.

For many subs, though, the line between obedience and pleasing isn’t fixed. They might feel more like fluid modes of submission that can bleed into one another. And, of course, some pleasers won’t align with being submissive at all.

What’s the psychology behind a pleasing kink?

It’s common to want to know where our kinks “come from.” Do they say something about our personality, our past experiences, our perception of ourselves or how we relate to others? Well, the reality is… who really knows? As Kassel reminds us, your kinks don’t need to have an origin story, or be “rooted” in anything other than enjoyment.

When it comes to how a pleasing kink may relate to other personality traits, sex and relationships therapist Nikita Fernandes notes that, for some people, a pleasing kink may “be a way to explore their relationship to ‘people pleasing' in a way that feels good and safe.”

But at the same time, none of this might be the case. People with all kinds of personalities, attachment styles, and experiences can have a healthy and valid pleasing kink. 

How to explore a pleasing kink safely

Like we said before, great pleasing comes down to the three Cs: curiosity, communication, and collaboration. Here’s what that can look like, according to our experts.

Consider where your desire to please is coming from

First, bear in mind that a pleasing kink isn’t about using a partner’s pleasure to stroke your own ego. “When the motivation in a sexual interaction is to prove something about yourself, you’re shifting the focus away from the partner, which ultimately is antithetical to a pleasing kink,” says Kassel.

Second, remember that pleasing kinks don’t come from a place of obligation. Many people, especially women and femmes, have been taught that their “role” in sex is to provide pleasure, while deprioritizing their own—but pleasing kinks are about all partners’ pleasure, simultaneously. That’s really important.

Get curious with your partner(s) ahead of time

“Start by asking your partner directly what brings them pleasure, or what they’re curious to try, during a non-sexual moment,” says Kassel. 

Engage with follow up questions: If they’ve done it before, what did they love about it? If they haven’t, what is it that excites them? The more intel you gather, the better an experience you’ll be able to create for them.

If you’re engaging in BDSM, discuss how pleasing will fit into your wider dynamic: are you both into the idea of proactive pleasing? Do you want to mix it with obedience? Is it important that praise follows for you? 

“It can be helpful to get an understanding and a history of whether a partner has explored a pleasing kink before,” adds Fernandes.

Observe their sexual cues

Be sure to check in with each other during sex. “Ask your partner what feels good, and listen to what they tell you,” says Kassel. “Pay attention to their nonverbal responses, too. It’s less about performing and more about staying mindful: What seems to bring them pleasure? What intensifies it? What causes them to lean into you? What leads them to draw back and away?”

Follow up afterwards

Aftercare is always important. But if you want to see your partner reach peak pleasure, that feedback is really valuable. After sex, ask them what they liked, what they loved, what they’d want to try differently. And reflect on those same questions yourself. Then, use it to make next time even better.

To discover more about your desires, take a look at our guide to sexual kinks, and how to communicate them with your partners, as well as our introductions to praise kinks, aftercare, and being a pleasure Dom. 

A pleasing kink isn’t just about doing what your partner wants—it’s about the erotic charge of giving; the fulfillment of bringing them joy. It differs from a praise kink and an obedience kink, but all can overlap. And ultimately, when you explore your kink with self-awareness, curiosity, and communication, it can turn “pleasing your partner” into something mutually empowering.

If you’re ready to explore pleasurable connections rooted in authenticity, find what’s waiting for you on Feeld. For more, dig deeper into curiosity, intimacy, and self-expression in Issue 2 of AFM, Feeld’s magazine.

As Chappell would say: “Ain’t no country boy quitters. We get the job done.”